Archive for the ‘Wicked Jabs’ Category

As a premise I suggest that you read the following two paragraphs properly. One is about a very well-known management philosophy called “Theory of Constraints” and the second one on a general observation around the pesky species you will find everywhere, not so affectionately called Assholes.

Clubbing these two and further tempered by my experience encountering many of these …I have an oven fresh but a very personal management principle and I call it ” Assholes never die

So here is the precursor to the “Theory of Constraints” . For those who may like to dig deeper , follow the link to the Wikipedia page and those of you who didn’t click , I must applaud your decision not to. The whole thing is an awful read.

Theory of Constraints (TOC) is an overall management philosophy introduced by Dr. Eliyahu M. Goldratt in his 1984 book titled The Goal, that is geared to help organizations continually achieve their goal.[1] The title comes from the contention that any manageable system is limited in achieving more of its goal by a very small number of constraints, and that there is always at least one constraint. The TOC process seeks to identify the constraint and restructure the rest of the organization around it, through the use of the Five Focusing Steps.

I am sure this wouldn’t have made much sense to you or why the hell it should ever make sense. We all know such philosophies are meant to be vague and cryptic . However simplifying it , here’s my interpretation

Every system has a bottleneck and the bottleneck is transient. So if you think you have identified the bottleneck for anything at your work place and eliminated it, be rest assured a new bottleneck will crop up somewhere else. So for better efficiency and effectiveness, we need to continuously identify and weed out the bottlenecks

Now coming to the second part of the story, about Assholes. To illustrate the powers of an asshole read this.

One day, all the human body parts started arguing about who was on top… The mouth said, ”I should be on top because, without me, you wouldn’t be able to eat.” Then the stomach said, ”Ya but if it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t be able to digest and transfer all the minerals and vitamins throughout the body, I should be on top.” Then the heart said, ”I should be on top because I’m the one who takes the blood from point A to point B. Without me, the body would die.” Then the brain said, ” Well, without me, you wouldn’t be able to move, eat, digest or allow circulation of blood, so I should be on top.” Now, the asshole was beginning to get annoyed, ”You know, I should be on top because I can just shut my hole and then shit will accumulate and block the digestive track and screw all of you up.” It was chaos, everyone was yelling and fighting. Finally, the asshole got fed up, ”That’s it, I’m fed up, I’m shutting up my hole.”

So for a few days, the body couldn’t shit and the brain had trouble moving, the stomach digesting, the mouth eating and the blood flow going, everyone was begging the asshole to open up, The brain said, ”Please open up, you made your point, your on top, just open up.” The asshole smiled, ”So everyone agrees that I’m on top?” ”YES” everyone shouted. ”OK!” so the asshole opened up and the body could shit again. The moral of this story is, an asshole will always win…

And now bringing both of these together – You will always come across an asshole , at work , in the form of annoying colleague or maybe a client or maybe one honking incessantly behind your car. For me, I keep running into many as I try hard to prop up my fledgling startup. I manage the business part and trust me , a business guy often gets to meet most of them. Its like being on an accelerated acquaintance process.

To illustrate further , I often make pitches and I meet one guy at a potential client. Have a great meeting and we are rolling. And then all of a sudden our friend develops a cold feet. Maybe because I didn’t give him the amount of respect a thoroughbred asshole deserves. So he acts like one and then my systems are clogged and gasping as an aftermath. So what do I do, I apply, the theory of Constraints. Try bypassing my friend, reach out to a better guy, do the pitch again, but I forget, nothing stops this guy from behaving as an asshole again.

And trust me it happens often, there is abundance of assholes around. If you are a startup these guys can literally choke the life out of your dreams , just for the heck to prove that assholes rule. If the Freemasons were known to have secret ways of identifying a fellow mason, I have a feeling these assholes too have it. Somehow they always operate in bunches. They behave alike and they think alike.

I always thought that, if I run into one , I can somehow bypass or eliminate one and move ahead. But later I realised, they will never die , with the tenacity and the resilience of a cockroach, an asshole morphs and morphs. And yes, can be found at multiple levels of an organization.

Lets accept the fact you cannot eliminate one, the trick is to identify one fast and ensure that he doesn’t waste your time and rape your spirits. And how do you identify one, that experience will teach you. There are no set rules to identify one.

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I hate those ” I didn’t mean that ” moments. I am married and I do have my fair share of marital tiffs. When my wife gives me an empty stare and expects me to decipher. And I am left dumbfounded , trying to figure out what she means.

Or sometimes when we are in middle of some life critical decision making moments, like yesterday we were trying to decide the color of buckets for our guest bathroom, she says something very vague and very destructive ” You decide“.

All married men would agree its the deadliest weapon in the arsenal. Most often than not , you would never get it right. If I am to decide , you are to respect my choice and not sulk. I am tired of being told that I don’t get what she means. Come on lady – You didn’t marry Sherlock Holmes …did you

Precisely , why I don’t like Shashi Tharoor. After Cattle Class and the candid musings about the Visa regulations…here comes the most womanly behavior from him.

First he says Saudi will make good interlocutor. Ok , they might , post they have got rid of all the sand in their mouth and done tying up those unending reams of clothes. So when, Mr. Tharoor says “Interlocutor“, I like any lay man with a limited knowledge of an imported language called English, I assume that he implies that Saudi can be a good alternate communication channel to the Pakistani’s

Yes they can, for if you have a slightest of interest in geopolitics , religion and terrorism- you would know , they are the only people who can talk to the Pakistani establishment as well as the gunmaster’s thriving in the hinterlands of Pakistan. Obviously , they control the Moolah. Remember – Money hai to Honey Hai

So putting two two’s together , I assume (Sissy) Tharoor means that he wants the Saudi’s to mediate. I guess most of you would have thought the same. In fact , for the first time Me and Arnab Goswami( Dont know???….you should watch Times Now ) were thinking alike and so were the communists and the BJP’s. Not that this was a proud moment for me…but it doesn’t hurt to have some people think like you sometimes .

And the way rest of media picked it up…I thought …this time Shashi Tharoor is in for a rough haul. And then out of the blue comes the rejoinder. I am not sure this time too he decided to use twitter to explain himself.
Shashi Tharoor - Courtesy HT
This man is surely gifted with the art of playing words. I want to challenge him to a game of scrabble actually. And this is what he says

I just said that Saudi Arabia could be a valuable interlocutor, which was misunderstood by many

Ok….I am one of the many…next comes from Twitter

Good day of mtgs, marred in some Indian media by misunderstanding of word ‘interlocutor’. An interlocutor is someone u spk to, nothing more

So he means, that all of us..me , Arnab, the commies and the Khakhi Shorts got it wrong. Yeah…yeah Mr. Tharoor , you have an upper hand, obviously we aren’t the direct descendants of Lord Macaulay as you maybe and neither we have spent years honing our ( Rapidex) English Speaking skill as you did in United Nations.( At least you could have done something to get India..that permanent place to park its posterior in the joke called security council)

Arnab …now please stop sulking , even your English is bad…ok !!!. You should join VETA ( remember ..the TV ad …the maid crooning love ballads ) or at least get TATA Sky English seekho

So Mr.(Sissy ) Tharoor , as always you never meant what you spoke. And then you use twitter to tell us this is not what you meant. Enough is enough, I will not take this anymore. You are behaving no different from how an wife defends.
“THIS IS NOT WHAT I MEANT”

Hey…just got a mail , its a checklist from the Minister himself. From the next time follow this checklist to interpret his comments & tweets

  • Read the statement
  • Look into Mr. Tharoor eyes ( I try this for my wife…to some extent it helps…particularly look at the eye brows…is she frowning)
  • Open a dictionary. Mind you go for the dictionary suggested by the Minister himself – Its called ” Mein Kampf with Words”. He has a handwritten draft of it , will soon be published by Foreign Ministry
  • Search for all words including connectors like to, the , and etc and then form a basic understanding of the statement
  • Pls ping the minister to check if this is what he meant
  • On confirmation from the Minister himself, pls proceed to form any opinion. Any opinion formed before that will receive a swift death by a tweet from the Minister himself.
  • People not following this will be cursed and will remain to suffer from Poor English deficiency Syndrome
  • And lastly , Mr Minister can change his mind anytime and decide to mean anything else than implied previously

Now , a question to all married men reading this….can’t you sniff a very woman like behavior from the Minister. He speaks cryptic, holds the right to interpretation, is not open for debate and above all sulks like woman. Yes, he sends tweets , very concise ones , the same way woman speak in non-cognizable monosyllabic statements.

And thats why I don’t like you any more Mr. Shashi(Sissy) Tharoor

PS: But I still love my wifey….

Image Courtesy – I found it on HT